To be free

18/11/22

I remember waking up from my sleep, drenched in sweat and confused about my dream. I couldn’t remember it properly but I was sure Sara was there with me. I try to remember it but end up ignoring it. As I put my head back on the pillow, I come face to face with the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. She blinks very slowly, looking confused. The skin of her temple starts folding and she looks me straight in the eye, her voice very low but beautiful as usual, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay, just a bad dream I guess.”, I reply not wanting to worry her too much.

I don’t know what she understands from that but slowly her arms wrap around my waist and she pulls me closer. I snuggle into bed hugging her, our bodies exchanging heat and trying to get through that cold weather together. As I lay there, soon I hear her breathing slow down and with that my eyes lazily drift off to sleep as well.

…

The next morning, we woke up as usual with our alarm. I was up first as I’ve always done for the past two years. I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom to carry out my daily routine. Once I am done, I wake Sara up. As usual, she groans and pulls the blanket over her head. I let out a small laugh at her childlike behaviour. I nudge her a few more times, and she finally pushes herself out of bed and sleepily walks to the bathroom. Her eyes barely open, and she shuts the door behind her.

Once we’re both up and ready, we walk to the subway station. Since we work in different places, we take the subway together and I get off two stations after her. We take up a corner in the train and stand side by side. In a city as busy as ours, there are always too many people, just trying to get to their offices and places of interest. Sara stands to my left and tells me about something that had happened the day before. As time passes, her stop comes and she starts getting ready to leave. Just before walking out, she hugs me and I give her a small kiss on the cheek.

As soon as she leaves, I notice a few people staring my way. As always, I feel rather uncomfortable about it but I have accepted that this is something I have to bear to be happy in today’s world. Usually, I get a few odd looks and then people just forget that they just saw two ‘grown-up’ girls kissing goodbye. It took quite some time for my parents as well to accept me as I am. I was someone who wasn’t supposed to turn out as I did. I was supposed to do good in my studies, go to a good college, be the best in my field, and then if I did find a good man someday, I was supposed to marry him. Never did my parents expect that I’d fall in love with another girl and would want to spend the rest of my life with her.

When I told them two years ago, their faces were blank like they weren’t ready to believe it.

“You’re just confused about this, don’t take it seriously.”

“Are you sure beta?”

“Is this because you’ve never been in a relationship with a guy that you’re so confused about this?”

“Did you tell anyone else about it?”

“Think about it once again, there will be no going back from this.”

“Does Charu auntie’s daughter know about this?”

After this reaction, I had no heart in me to tell them that it was Charu auntie’s daughter whom I had fallen in love with. I gave them a few days before I finally came out with the whole truth. I told them how I had planned to move in with her, and how aunty and uncle still didn’t know about it.

“If only I knew, I wouldn’t have let you hang out with that Sara so much.”

“Beta, tell me honestly, did Sara pull you into this? What did she say to you?”

“A few of my friends have sons who are single, do you want me to arrange a meeting?”

“You were supposed to be our beta, what has happened?”

Over the course of a few days, I had to hear all sorts of things that hurt me but, in the end, they came to terms with it and now, two years later, they have come to accept it pretty well. Sometimes, they’re even apologetic about all those harsh things they said to me. I wouldn’t lie but their acceptance was very important to me in this relationship.

…

Back from work in the evening, we had a party planned for tonight. Two of our close friends just got engaged and took this weekend as an opportunity to celebrate. We knew it was going to last till late at night so Sara and I had planned our day according to that. We dressed up in the evening and booked a cab to leave for the party. Reaching there took longer than we had expected because of the usual city traffic and I worried if we would reach in time.

But once we met our friends, all that worry disappeared and transformed into fun and enjoyment. The four of us had a lavish dinner together and then planned to go to a club to celebrate. It was within walking distance from the restaurant and once we entered, I felt all my nerves loosen. The loud music surging through my ears was blocking out all my other inner thoughts and at that moment all that existed was me and the beautiful girl I plan to marry someday.

Both of us found a spot and lost our bodies to the beats of the music, we didn’t even have to try. The crowd and our bodies were so in sync, like mice moving to the tunes of the pied piper. Sometime in the night, Sara’s hands were around my neck and mine around her waist, hugging her; our bodies guiding each other. It was then from the corner of my eye I saw a group of young boys staring at us.

At first, I didn’t think too much of it but soon it became hard for me to ignore. I felt their heavy gaze land on my body. It moved from my bare legs to my waist, to my upper body latched onto Sara’s and finally to my lips inches away from my lover’s. I suddenly felt the urge to hold Sara tighter, somehow blocking her from their dirty vision. Their lustful eyes and desire made me feel like they would come and devour us any minute. My breath started to quicken and I started inhaling deeper. Noticing it, Sara was suddenly on alert, “Oh my god, are you ok?”

To this day, I don’t know how to tell her

I wanted to protect her

From everything the world threw at us

For everything, the world couldn’t accept

And to everything, we have to adjust

I am used to it all and even so,

I’m appalled every time

Because you see,

I still don’t know what it’s like to be free.